Tramping Alcohol

The four essential features of tramping alcohol are

Bang For Your Buck (BFYB – Price)
Drunkenness Per Kilo (DPK – Weight)
Taste Factor (TF – subjective)
and
Invincibility Rating (IR – how awesome it makes you feel)

Of course, these features are not always present in every beverage type, so I have prepared this scoring sheet to give you some guidelines. This is knowledge I am sharing with you that is gained from bitter experience, take it and go forth into the world of drunken tramping! (Just don’t get killed/hurt doing it)

RTDs
Pretty much the worst possible tramping alcohol – don’t even bother
BFYB – 3
DPK – 1
TF – 2
IR – 0
Total – 6

Beer – bottles
An improvement on taste but still pretty crap
BFYB – 3
DPK – 1
TF – 7
IR – 6
Total – 17

Beer – cans
Lighter and cheaper – therefore better
BFYB – 4
DPK – 3
TF – 6
IR – 6
Total – 19

Red Cask Wine
Hardly any packaging weight, more alcoholic than beer, gets more delicious as you drink more.

Can be mulled in alpine situations for an increase in TF, but this may reduce BFYB, and DPK.  However, this reduction is ballanced by the ability to get people tipsy by simply inhaling the air above the pot.

Advantages – You can be funny by calling it ‘Chateau Cardboard’ and using the bladder as a pillow once you’re done.

BFYB – 5
DPK – 7
TF – 5
IR – 3
Total – 20

Beer – Mini-Keg
Hardly any packaging weight, wonderful showpiece, especially in photography.

Look out for Heineken – they have the best pouring set-up
BFYB – 2
DPK – 6
TF – 7
IR – 6
Total – 21

Random Spirits
Gets you drunk as anything for very little weight and price (mix with coke for some giardia killing action)
BFYB – 6
DPK – 9
TF – 0
IR – 6
Total – 21

Stone’s Green Ginger Wine
Deliciousness is the number one attraction here, as well as a decrease in packaging and an increase in % alc.vol.
BFYB – 4
DPK – 5
TF – 9
IR – 4
Total – 22

Chasseur
A fruity blend of the finest wines, from Australia and/or New Zealand
Advantages: Comes in a lightweight goon, making for easy cleanup. High alcohol content.
BFYB – 9
DPK – 8
TF – 1-10 (The taste changes with every sip, and based on how much you have already had)
IR – 6
Total – 24-33

Whisky
Like ‘Random Spirits’ but tastes better and makes you feel like a real man
Advantages: You can say in a southern accent ‘That’s fiiiiire water!’
BFYB – 5
DPK – 9
TF – 8
IR – 7
Total – 29

Andrew’s Moonshine
Tastes awful, costs nothing, gets you so drunk you’ll think you’re walking on the ceiling
BFYB – 10
DPK – 10
TF – 0
IR – 10 (you have to be invincible to drink it)
Total – 30